Root, Root, Root For The (Not Quite) Home Team
My Long-Awaited Playoff Bandwagon Rankings
This is perhaps a day late, as the first set of wild card games is already in the books, but better late than never. Here, at long last, are my personal preferences (NOT predictions) for this postseason, AKA the listing of teams whom I have certainly jinxed. Seriously, if you complain that I’m dissing your favorite team, don’t forget that not only am I a lifelong Mets fan, but back in the days when I still cared about football I was a Jets fan. Do you notice the pattern? Do you really want me to bring my bad mojo to your fanbase?
A few quick notes before proceeding. Sarah Langs provided a great note the other day. In 2021 4 teams each lost more than 100 games - Arizona, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, and Texas. It only took 2 seasons for 3 of those squads to make it to the postseason. Despair not, fans of teams that suffered through a poor 2023. Fast turnarounds are easily achievable.
This one is more disappointing. There are currently 5 teams which play on artificial turf surfaces - Arizona, Miami, Tampa Bay, Texas, and Toronto. All 5 made it to the playoffs this year. To be fair, modern turf is different from the old school surfaces prevalent decades ago. There are significantly fewer of those absurdly high bounces on bloop hits, and the fields don’t have the nauseatingly artificial green hue that the old ones used to have. But to paraphrase Bill Lee, if cows don’t eat it I would rather not watch people play on it.
Finally, at the beginning of the season I discussed long droughts. The context is that with 30 teams in the league, you can’t call it a true drought unless it’s lasted 30 years or more; going with the every team takes its turn theory. Of this year’s field, fully half fall in that category, either by never having won a World Series, or by not having won one in at least 30 years. (The Blue Jays just qualify, as their most recent title came when Joe Carter touched ‘em all 30 years ago.)
Without further ado, here are my completely subjective, non-scientific rankings. Once again, apologies in advance to the teams that I have now jinxed. (Note: I put the list together before yesterday’s play began, so the results of the games had no bearing one way or the other.)
Marlins. This one is easy. Ever since they moved the home run sculpture out of the outfield, that franchise has been dead to me.
Diamondbacks. Perhaps my feelings will change if they make a long postseason run and I grow more familiar with them, but this is a relatively anonymous team. I can’t get worked up over them one way or another.
Astros. I’m not going to condemn them forever for the trash can stuff. There are only a few holdovers left from that team. Plus, as a kid that Cedeno/Cruz/Cabell/J.R. Richard era with the Tequila Sunrise unis was one of my favorite non-Mets squads. But Dusty Baker got his championship last year, let someone else have their turn.
Rays. I’m beginning to grow weary of the whole Rays vibe. The unwillingness to pay for talent. The constant roster churn as a result. The introduction of the concept of the opener. On top of that, the Wander Franco story casts a pall over the team. And the attendance at yesterday’s game was just embarrassing. Sure, it was a day game, but the last postseason game in a non-COVID year with such a low attendance figure was in 1919! If their own fans don’t care, why should I. As much as I love Randy Arozarena’s game and his swag, that’s a deal breaker.
Twins. More like Meh-Nissota, am I right? Now that they don’t have to deal with the Yankees this year (although ESPN hilariously enough assigned Kay-Rod to call their series; the Yanks continue to haunt them in the postseason) they finally won their first postseason game since the Butch Wynegar/Bombo Rivera days. (Double checking, it hasn’t been quite that long.) I’d probably be more enthusiastic for them if Byron Buxton was healthy, but nope.
Rangers. They lose points because the outside of their stadium makes it look like they’re playing in the saddest Home Depot. I’m not the type of fan that automatically hates on players that have left my team, so I’m looking forward to sitting down to watch Jacob deGrom & Max Scherzer pitch. Wait, what? More seriously, Marcus Semien has been stealthily putting a fantastic career together. It would be nice to see him gain more national notice with a big postseason.
Braves. On one hand, they’re not just a divisional rival, but one overflowing with young stars whose peaks will still run for several more seasons. This club will torment me for years to come. On the other hand, as a fan of the sport I want to watch as much Ronald Acuna Jr. as I can. They lose points because their fans are STILL doing the damn tomahawk chop.
Phillies. 2 elements of this year’s team completely fascinate me. The first is the absolutely bonkers year that Kyle Schwarber had. This has been the quintessential three true outcomes year. A 47 home run season with a WAR of only 0.7? And Trea Turner’s turnaround following the standing ovation the fans gave him in August should be one of the biggest stories of the season. I would unironically call that a huge feel good moment.
Dodgers. They are ranked this high almost solely due to Mookie Betts. I can think of few players who give me so much joy as I watch him play. Of course I’d love to see a full month of high stakes action from the guy, regardless of whether or not I’m “tired” of this team. And you never know if the next Clayton Kershaw start will be his last. Cherish moments like that.
Blue Jays. This lineup filled with nepo babies is a lot of fun to watch. And with so many starting rotations entering October gassed or injured, it’s a nice feeling to see at least one staff filled with guys capable of pitching deep into games.
Brewers. They fell into a similar category until the bad news about Brandon Woodruff’s injury came out. There’s still a lot to like about these guys. Bernie Brewer! Christian Yelich! The thought of Bob Uecker calling a championship from the radio booth! This is a franchise that’s due for some success.
Orioles. Yeah, I’m not looking forward to the thought of John Angelos accepting the trophy, but otherwise they check so many boxes. The team has plenty of young exciting players. They bring back fond memories of my youth, as they were regular playoff participants when I was a kid. I love the uniforms - always appreciate cartoon birds as well as an orange color scheme. The ballpark is still gorgeous. The “win this in Brooks’ memory” storyline is compelling; I just hope that Fox doesn’t lay it on too thick. And this would give us all opportunities to throw out a lot of references to The Wire.
SNL Season 9 Midseason Recap
Candice Bergen once said that hosting SNL was like being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army. You either adapt and become Tania, or you die. For the most part, the hosts who have been most successful are the ones that drop all pretenses and go with the flow of the show. Notable exceptions are hosts that come in with their own well-established comic sensibilities and force the show to adjust to them rather than the other way around. Michael Palin, who hosted this episode, is one such example.
Whenever Palin, or Eric Idle for that matter, would host, the show would seem as much of a Monty Python episode as it would an SNL one. One of this week’s showcase sketches felt like it came right out of a Python episode. It was set in a restaurant called House Of Mutton in which all of the dishes were lamb, and the staff were forced to dress up in lamb costumes. A waitress was named Barbara, or “Baaa-arbra.” In this one, Julia Louis-Dreyfus seemed to be portraying an embryonic version of Elaine Benes as an irritated customer.
Eddie Murphy’s appearances in this season were sporadic, as he had many other commitments by this time, and that was very apparent this episode. His only appearance was in a Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood sketch, which appears to have been pre-taped, as he was nowhere to be seen in the closing goodbyes. That’s a shame, it would have been fun to see Murphy and Palin work together.
One result of Murphy’s absences is that it required the show to add a new cast member midseason and it was Jim Belushi. These days he’s become shorthand for hack comedy, but on SNL he tried his best in what was an impossible situation. He was always going to suffer in comparison to his brother. Take this sketch as an example. It’s difficult not to think of Bluto’s cafeteria scene from Animal House, along with a dash of Pinto at the Food King.
It appears that all parties realized Brad Hall was not working as the Saturday Night News anchor, as rather than the usual full news sketch, there were 2 brief special editions that popped up during the episode. The first featured Joe Piscopo’s sportscaster, this time previewing the following day’s Super Bowl. He was a bit off in his prediction; saying that the Washington Ethnic Slurs would beat the Raiders, but the game turned out to be the Marcus Allen led blowout. The second was an appearance by Tim Kazurinsky’s Dr. Jack Badovsky character. Those old enough will remember that as the bit in which his medical correspondent used some of the most intentionally awful puns to describe various forms of medical conditions. This time he discussed menopause - for example, a Swedish woman would develop Sven-opause.
No word yet on when SNL will return, so next week I’ll stick with a look back at season 9. The season finale not only had a true end of an era vibe to it, but it had not just 1, but 5 guest hosts. So tune in next week as we revisit the hosting collaboration among Billy Crystal, Ed Koch, Father Guido Sarducci, Betty Thomas, and… Edwin Newman?
Jim Caple
For a long stretch my personal most visited website was most likely ESPN’s old Page 2 section. It was slightly off-center, and was initially branded as an intersection of sports and pop culture. It was also a great outlet for outstanding writers to color outside the lines. Ralph Wiley would write lengthy columns that were essentially improvisational jazz pieces, astonishing in their complexity. Hunter S. Thompson showed that while he may not have still had his best fastball, he could still make magic. The site was my introduction to Paul Lukas’s Uniwatch column, and it gave Bill Simmons his first national audience. Even with all that talent, Jim Caple always held a special place in my heart, and not just for his ability to troll the Yankees.
He wrote about multiple sports during his long tenure with ESPN, but baseball was his primary focus, most notably in his weekly Off Base column. It was his own special twist to the weekly three-dot column, as he had a knack for finding great odds and ends that made his perspective so unique. The two things you would most want in a sports columnist are to be entertaining and informative, and he had both of those qualities to spare.
ESPN eventually phased out Page 2, absorbing its remaining contributors into the main page. Caple himself was laid off from ESPN several years back as part of one of the network’s intermittent cutbacks. I continued to follow him on Twitter, but I had noticed that his contributions to other outlets were beginning to grow sparse. Word came out on Monday that Caple passed away at the age of 61. His family announced that he had been suffering from ALS and from dementia; that is such a horrifically young age to have dealt with such a malady. Many of of his old columns are still archived on ESPN. They’re worth revisiting.
And That’s 27 Outs
I made it through this entire newsletter without doing a joyful Snoopy dance on Kevin McCarthy’s political grave.
Almost made it, man. Couldn’t have happened to a better guy. Have a peaceful day everybody, and let’s talk again on Friday.